Treasure Hunt
by OnceABlueMoon
Summary: 'The rascal! That debaucher! That- That- Lolly gagging playboy' He covered Mila's eyes. 'Don't look! If a primordial like me almost fainted looking at this, I don't want to know what this will do to your systems' '…An extreme reaction to a simple cuddle, but I like your style.' Phichit finds out his treasure (Yuuri) has been stolen. By Victor. Time to stalk the couple!


**Treasure** Hunt

 **Fandom:** Yuri on Ice

 **Summary:** _''Oh my dragon scale. The rascal! That debaucher! That- That- Lolly gagging playboy!'' He covered Mila's eyes. '''Don't look! If a primordial like me almost fainted looking at this, I don't want to know what this will do to your systems!''_ _''…An extreme reaction to a simple cuddle, but I like your style.''_

Phichit comes back from his world trip and finds out his treasure (Yuuri) has been stolen. Time to stalk the couple!

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Yuri on Ice

This was written for the Yuri on Ice Fantasy week 11/18/17- Day Six: Gold. I used the prompts ''Dragon,'' and ''Treasure''. I also have entries for day 1, 2, 3, 4 and 7.

This is part of the Land of Gods and Monsters 'verse (fic 4), but can be read as a standalone fic.

* * *

 **Day 1**

''You don't get it. I'm his _mother._ ''

''I was present when Hiroko birthed him.''

''Yuuri's my treasure!'' Phichit does some jazz hands around his face for the sparkle effect.

Mila somersaults through the air, wings beating. ''And V-boy is my charge, darling.''

Phichit pouts. ''I'm not going to ship them!''

''Chuchu, 'shipping' is _never_ going to be a thing.''

''Don't worry, I'll make it happen!''

* * *

 **Day 5**

 _Big News! Dragon Crashes Wedding Party!_

''I'm a Phaya Naga! Oh-are my eyes deceiving me? ' _Our eyewitness reports the dragon ran in screaming: ''You ain't never gonna get my baby- Oooooooh- I like that song!'''_ I didn't do that!''

''No, you ran in screaming: 'You ain't never gonna get my baby- SOMEbody once told me the world is gonna-''

''roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed! She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead…''

* * *

 **Day 6**

''I never realized how chipmunk-y Victor's cheeks were.''

"His ass is nothing compared to Yuuri's."

"A. You are so right. B. MY SON! You are rightfully worshipping him. C. I MEANT HIS FACE."

"...I blame your butt jokes, Chuchu."

* * *

 **Day 8**

''Oh my _dragon scale._ The rascal! That debaucher! That- That- Lolly gagging _playboy_!'' He covers Mila's eyes. '''Don't look! If a primordial like me almost fainted looking at this, I don't want to know what this will do to _your_ systems!''

''…An extreme reaction to a simple cuddle, but I like your style.''

Phichit gasps. ''HE- Victor just _nuzzled_ Yuuri's hair- Why are we not crystal shotting this? We should be crystal shotting this! Evidence, Mila, evidence!''

''You know, taking a crystal shot of _you_ right now would be perfect blackmail material.''

''Giant snakes in hula outfits are common and a great disguise, I'll have you know! Besides, why ever would I be embarrassed about wearing a coconut bra? It'd be blackmail against _other_ people. Can you imagine it? If I show you this shot of me being the hottest thing ever, you'll die!''

Mila taps her lips. ''A vision- but do be sure to include your furbie cosplay, m'kay.''

Phichit cackles. ''Furbie-licious to the max! Wait- where did they go now?!''

* * *

 **Day 9**

A rendezvous in the Niagara Falls.

Mila has the time of her life, Phichit flails and befriends the local hamsters.

* * *

 **Day 10**

Tracking down Victor and Yuuri isn't hard. What takes up time is the information gathering needed to help Victor find the place where he belongs _._ Behind the bars, that is.

The criminal in question is currently smiling softly as he uses Phichit's cinnamon son as his slave. He has deceived Yuuri so thoroughly the poor boy is smiling while brushing his captor's hair!

''I will take all of his Armani suits. Not to cut them apart- oh no, that would be too kind. I'll paint them with daisies and roses and rice, and then I'll make it smell so nice he'll die from pleasure the next time he puts it on! Positivity will kill him!''

''Savage, Chuchu.''

''Hush, Millikins, they'll hear us!''

''Oh yes, a fairy and a Phaya Naga hovering in the air in front of a tower window. The height of stealth! Also, did you put on a few pounds?''

''Are you implying you can't lift me?''

''Please, I could lift you in your true form while being five centimeters tall!''

''Let's try it out!''

''You are so on!''

* * *

 **Day 11**

Peering over the hedge, Phichit sighs ''Why can't they just stay in one place? I need my beauty sleep!''

''Maybe if _someone_ stopped announcing their presence…''

'' _You_ were the one tipping them off?!''

''…Sure. Yeah. Let's go with that.''

Yuuri sticks his head over the hedgerow. ''She didn't need to, with the amount of noise you made.''

''Yuuri!'' Phichit smooshes his face against his chest. ''Ma baby boy! Don't worry, mama's here, he'll protect you from the big bad angel!''

Yuuri just sighs, remarkably fond for someone whose glasses were just ruined. ''Nice to see you too, Phichit.''

Mila eddies through the air in the direction of the garden, ruffling Yuuri's hair in passing. ''Atta, boy!''

Phichit runs after her. ''Hey, if you're pinching Victor's cheeks I want in!''

''The squishy-squish is all mineeeeeeeeeee, Chuchu!''

* * *

''I… Might be convinced to let Victor into the family.''

The Russian's eyes lit up.

''But only if I get your conditioner, because oh my gosh, your hair is _silky._ I mean- you've been feeding Yuuri katsudon, you can't be that bad.'' Phichit inches forwards. ''Also, squuuuuuuish!''

Victor doesn't even try to get away, far too busy beaming at Yuuri, rainbows appearing all around him. ''I have been blessed!''

''Me too,'' Mila cackles, ''Blackmail material for the next millennium at the least!''

Yuuri pales, Victor wails, and Phichit? Phichit beams.

Yeah. He can see it. He _ships it!_ (Yes, Mila, shipping is totally gonna happen).

* * *

 **Author's Note**

The song Phichit and Mila sing on Day 8 is All-Star by Smash mouth!

...The butt joke exchange was actually inspired by M-chan blaming me for corrupting her with my butt jokes *cackles*


End file.
